


The theory

by The1DParasite



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-02-18
Packaged: 2019-03-20 21:28:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13726329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The1DParasite/pseuds/The1DParasite
Summary: I see lights ahead of me, I hear fanatic screams emerging from afar.I look around, and I see him.And he is so beautiful.And would it be so wrong to grab his hand and claim him mine in front of everyone?♧♧♧Story contains sexual content, vulgar language, and a great deal of self loathing from the begging. Read at your own risk.COPYRIGHT ©, 2018All rights reserved, The1DParasite





	1. The theory behind Zayn's departure

The sunlight shone in my face, soaking my body. The room was completly silent. 

Not even Niall's loud laugh, that is ever so hearable every morning, worked like an alarm on me. 

Not today. Obviously, not today. 

I am sure they all hated what they had to hear last night. Even though they may agree. 

At least I face the truth, and don't pretend everything is alright everytime that fucker appears.

But I couldn't ever just keep to myself. And they all know that. 

Even Harry sometimes comments on my control issues and how passive agressive I've become. 

Well, guess what shithead... things are really fucking hard right now. 

And they don't get it. It's like I, and what we had, wasn't enough to keep him bearing with us through all the shitshow. 

What a prick! I still can't fucking accept all this fucking situation.

Nor the load of crap Liam and Niall give Zayn with their smiles and politeness. He betrayed us and that is it. 

They say everything is cool and nothing has changed because the rules fall nicely on them and they never had to pretend to be alright all the fucking time. 

Whatever, they are not the ones to blame. 

But Zayn? Zayn knew. He knew what they were putting me through. He knew how much I've been struggling. 

He knew that he is the only thing I had left. 

And he choose to leave? Two fucking months after me and Harry break up?

Is this a fucking joke? Because it is not funny. I mean how selfish could that prick be?

I know they don't let him cut his hair or whatever, but what the fuck? That is fucking superficial. What he wants is attention and that is it.

I decide to try and get out of bed, with no will to see Harry's face whatsoever right now. 

Every time I did it was like seeing all the hurt he was in when I decided to name all the good reasons why this was the better option for us.

I knew he would never forgive me and that speech would be the motive we could never get back together. 

And it recked me. How I could be so stupid. So fucking reckless to destroy my main motive to not go completly insane. 

And then how could I do all of that when I knew so damn well how Harry was.

When I knew I was the only person he could tell everything to. When I knew he always keeps to himself. When I knew how much pain he was in. 

I guess I'm no different from Zayn in that sense. 

Maybe it wasn't my place to lash out on him like that. Boy, if Liam didn't grab me I probably would have punched him. 

The only single thing I hate the most about last night is how I just broke in front of Zayn. He didn't deserve to see me sobbing uncontrolably, struggling to get off Liam's grip just for the slight chance of getting to punch the him in the face. 

I hate how he fucking smiled out of pity at me. Pity! The single most disgusting feeling. I hate when people give me pity. 

I grab the rest of the blunt I made but didn't get a chance to smoke the night before and put it to my lips, lighting it with Zayn's red lighter that I first stole. 

I couldn't bring myself to throw it away even though the courage to do so was never so high. Maybe one day.

I took a few intense puffs, feeling my body somewhat relax... not as much as I would want to though. But a certain numbness filled my body, and replaced the pain.

I walked to the bathroom still smoking, feeling my feet touch the cold pavement. Sitting on the toilet, I peeded away probably what was left of the beers I drank last night. 

I didn't even wake up with an erection anymore, like some type of old men that can't get a hard on. What a fucking dull life. 

I pulled up my boxers with the blunt pressed tightly on my lips. I got to the sink and washed my hands before walking out of the room into the suite's main room. 

Immediately, like a thunder stroke, Niall and Liam that sat on the table next to Harry, shot me a worried look. 

I kept my cool taking the last hits on the cigar before putting it out on the sink, using water and dumped it in the trash. 

The fridge stood two steps away and when I reached it, I opened the door and took out a water bottle that I chugged on, feeling my adam's apple pop in and out about three times before I closed it and placed it on the counter. 

"You can keep on speaking. It's not like I don't know what you were saying before I came in." I commented ignoring eye contact with them whatsoever, walking up to the black leather couch the room had and falling on it, feeling my body sink into the cushion. The remote was to my right, and I grabbed it turning on the TV. 

"Louis! Don't!" Niall's voice echoed through the room, alarming me. 

I immediately turned it off, and looked back to see him. "What?"

"They announced it." At those words my body reacted with annoyance. I felt so revolted. 

The remote that my hand grasped tightly, I threw across the room. "They couldn't fucking wait until he signed the contract to leave?" 

My voice almost gave out. 

"Louie, he did." Liam answered my rethorical question. "This morning." 

"The fucker actually did it?" I didn't want to cry again, but it appeared to be an impossible task. 

I kept the tears that streamed down my face discret, sobbin silently. 

I didn't want them to know. I didn't want him to know. 

Fuck, Zayn why did you leave?

"Louis." My heart jolted, and I flinch at the name he called me. 

He never called me that. It was impersonal. Calling me Louis managed to be worse than what he has been doing for the past two months, that was ignoring me. 

Somewhere deep down, I knew it was on purpose, and he knew how it hurt me. Deep down we both knew he did this slick petty things that he knew bothered me on purpose. And we both knew why. 

So I didn't blame him. But I would never ever repeat those words out loud. Even if I was alone in a room. 

Just by thinking about them my mouth burned, and my heart raced to the point of hurting as a weird post traumatic stress.

I couldn't turn my face or he would see my tears. I just had to put the zero-fucks-given card, like I always do. "Yeah?" I responded managing to keep a straight tone.

"Can we talk?" His deep voice vibrated all over my body, and it took everything in me to not say yes in screams of happiness that he finally was talking to me. It took fucking long enough. 

I would rather he shouted every time he saw me, scream at me, be rude and get mad to the point of his chiseled jaw line became tense and even more prominent. But Harry was too classy to do that. 

Ignoring me was ceirntanly more painful. I never knew how he felt and my head wouldn't shut up with wonder. It consumed me.

I would be lying if said I didn't feel suddenly lightheaded, I was probably trembling.

But I couldn't show that it mattered. I didn't know what this talk was. For all I know it could be about how he wants me to stop staring at him, cuz he finally caught me. "Meaning all of us. Could we all talk?" 

Obviously, my heart sunk just a little bit more. Saying that was something because I didn't know for how long it could go on sinking. When I thought the bottom had been reached a long time ago. 

"Sure." I answer quickly. "I just need to go wee." 

My feet almost gave out when I started walking back to my room. I prayed that none of them noticed. Specially Hazza. 

Hazza. I really needed to stop calling him that in my head. I couldn't help it, it slipped. 

I got to the mirror of the bathroom and look at myself. My eyes were extremely puffy and red. I looked like a helpless little boy. And at the end of it all what was I other that? 

I was nothing. I didn't matter. No wonder Zayn left. 

No wonder Harry despised me. 

Only Niall and Li seem to care, but that is only because they're too nice. 

There was a time when we were all closer, but I guess that was just the innocence of youth talking.

The cold water stung like a bee when I splashed it on my face, but at least it woke me up and my eyes looked less like I was a crying mess.

○○○

"No! Abso-fucking-lutely not!" I answer, every silable marked, probably some spit flew out but it didn't matter. "We're not having a break, just so your image is fucking clean. You want to leave, you suck up to your cowardness and get out just like Zayn." 

"Louie, please be reasona-" Li rose his tone a bit. Truly unlike him in these situations. But I didn't care.

"Reasonable? I'm not reasonable?" I look Liam in his eyes, that he lowered almost immediately after I finished.  
"No hiatus is fucking happening. End of discussion." 

I state before barging out of the room and slamming the door in my way.


	2. Chapter 2: The theory behind the blonde girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I see lights ahead of me, I hear fanatic screams emerging from afar.
> 
> I look around, and I see him. 
> 
> And he is so beautiful. 
> 
> And would it be so wrong to grab his hand and claim him mine in front of everyone? 
> 
> ♧♧♧
> 
> Story contains sexual content, vulgar language, and a great deal of self loathing from the begging. Read at your own risk.
> 
> COPYRIGHT ©, 2018  
> All rights reserved, The1DParasite

The loud music that filled my brain with noise managed to block out any type of thought that threatned to emerge.

I swayed my hands up with the rhythm, feeling the alcohol run through my veins. 

Some girl had been grinding on me for the past thirty minutes and I didn't know if I liked or not. She didn't remind me of Hazza, nothing about her evoked the thought of him. She actually looked like the complete opposite of him. For me that is a good thing. So I kept it going.

Oli looked at me a few times, clearly wondering if he should do something about it. He was always a good friend. 

Sometimes I wish Zayn could be loyal like him. 

"Me and my friend want to get more drinks," her pitched voiced sounded along her breath on my neck as she came closer. "Wanna come with?" She asked, as her hand slowly but surely made her way to the side of my waist.

"Sure, let's sit a bit." I smirk back at her and her reaction was of a pleased and blushing mess. 

My effect on her, I had to admit, felt pretty great. It made me feel powerful, wanted. 

Watching her cling more and more, even though she is so shy and giggly is, to say the least, fun. "Oli!" I called for the red haired boy who was quick to follow. 

We got to a table after they got more drinks and the girl started coming on to me quite strongly. 

It was not that I felt attracted to her, I mean... She was a girl. They most usually don't catch my eye. But I did want her to want me. I wanted her to try and have my way with me. 

I felt validated. 

I was not gonna have sex with her. But it pleased me a lot to be leading her on.

"So, you're from L.A.?" Oli asked the girl's friend. 

I looked back at them, feeling this girl's hand slide down my back and rub it. 

I got more focused on it then anything else. 

Later on Oli passed me the blunt he so perfectly rolled up and I smoked most of it before he snatched it away wanting some left for him. 

The mix of strong alcohol with weed was starting to really kick in. I laid back in the club's sofa feeling my veins pump, a sense of peace came to me. 

"You're always this shy?" I whispered to the girl's ear. 

"I could say the same." Her pitched voice whispered back at me after she softly laughed. 

"Me? Shy?" I asked. "I doubt that." 

"I've been trying to flirt all night and like, you haven't done much about it." she reasoned while her hand massages my neck. 

"You think I'm playing hard to get." I answered feeling that was what she was hinting at. 

"Or maybe you're scared." She proposed, looking like she was teasing me. "Don't worry. I'm not one of your crazy fans."

"Crazy?" I asked, gulping dryly. 

"I swear I'm not. It's all okay." She said slipping her hands on the side of my shirt. 

I was already extremely stoned and as much as I would like to be in Harry's arms right now, and kiss him, there was something troublesome about messing around with this girl that gave me chills. 

Maybe it was the fact that it could piss Harry off so much his possessive side would jump off his body and we could have angry sex, because anything is better than nothing. 

Or because it would make management so happy if I tried to act like pussy is my thing. 

"You and you're friend interested in coming back to my place?" I whispered feeling a smirk creep it's way into my lips. 

She truly looked like she won something when I said that. This girl was fucking desperate for me and it kind of got me on my toes.

Since I gotten into one direction, I've only been with Harry, fucked two girls senless and shared a drunken make out with Zayn that could have evolved into something more but it ended badly instead. 

Of course I took into consideration sleeping with him but it wasn't about that with us. I even told him about the wet dream I experienced where he played a big big part. But I knew that wasn't what I wanted, and Zayn never showed any signs of being physically attracted to guys. Well, at least not too much.

That is why when he first kissed me it really took me by surprise. 

1 month and two weeks ago

"Okay, I can understand that but in a way I'm hotter than him." Zayn compared as I dropped my body on the fluffly couch giggling. 

"In a way, in a way... you're full of shit." I laughed mocking him, my head kind of spinning from the haze provided by the alcohol. 

"What?" His voice pitched as the couch sunk lightly beside me. I turned my head and saw his profile in the dark room. "I'm not attractive?" I could see his mouth moving, only the windows provided a dim light from ouside which allowed me to see his face looking down at the weed he was preparing meticulously with his long fingers. 

Harry had long fingers too. Thin long fingers, perfect fingers. I missed them, I ruined everything. I'm stupid. Too stupid. 

"No, you are attractive. But Ryan Gosling has a quality." I explain as he rolls up the blunt, almost going to seal the end with his tongue but he stopped after I spoke.

"I don't have a quality?" He points to himself, his voice pitching at the end.

"It's just..." I try to explain but Zayn doesn't give me the chance to do so. 

"I'm not fuckable?" Zayn raises his eyebrows, putting down what he was doing on the small table in front of the couch, like he expected a serious answer.

"That is not what I'm..." He was not stopping until he got a clear answer and my running around in this conversation was proving to be uneffective. 

"It's a yes or no answer, Louie." 

"Okay-"

"Would you fuck me?" He eagerly asks making me sigh frustatedly.

"What kind of question is that?" I retort gesturing weirdly with my hands.

"Louie!!" 

"Yeah,..." I exhaled finally, my mind  
swirling. Why the freak was he asking me these?

"Yeah, what?" Zayn persisted his face expressing curiosity.

"Yes, I would. If I got the chance." I say exhaustively, looking him in the eyes so he'd be convinced and shut up with the conversation. 

I was squirming in awkwardness already. 

Zayn looked into my eyes, his gaze laced with something I wasn't reaching. Maybe it was doubt mixed with scare, but that was just a guess. 

"Don't freak out, okay?" Zayn said letting a hand fall on my arm. 

I furrowed my eyebrows not really getting what he was saying, and shifted my eyed to his hand touching my leg. 

Zayn swiftly got closer, crashing his lips on mine sloppily. I gasped loudly, a breath getting clutched in my throat. 

I froze, right there and then. "Louie, please." He whispered against my mouth. 

I pulled away and looked at him. I felt the heaviness in his actions. This troubled him, it wasn't something he was doing out of silliness. "Please..." Zayn tugged on my shirt, leaning his forehead against mine, his eyes closed, his voice breaking. 

He tried to kiss me again, and I didn't know if it was the alcohol or simply my concern for the boy (or both) but I kissed back slowly at first. 

My mind ran around the motives for Zayn's actions. I didn't conclude anything but I feared that Zayn had feelings for me that I couldn't reciprocate. 

Soon enough Zayn sat on my lap, his legs straddling me pushing my croth against his, as his lips pressured mine firmly. "Louie, I need you to forget everything and just be here in this moment can you do that for me?" 

"I'm worried." I murmured after Zayn said that grabbing my neck to look at him. 

"I'm fine, please just let loose." He said and a chuckle made it's way out of my lips. 

Zayn kissed me again, as his hand roamed around my neck and passed through my hair, tugging at it hotly. 

I kissed back, my eyes pressing shut.  
I remembered how Harry used to tug at my hair too, managing to be much sexier. 

After thinking of him my body finally started reacting to Zayn's stimulation. I kissed back, slipping my tongue inside his mouth to battle his. 

Our make out quickly escaled to a mess of hot moans, a lot of shirt pulling and two panting bodies grinding against each other. 

Zayn's finger slipped under the hem of my shirt sneakily and rubbed my torso's skin before he grabbed the fabric and pulled it up. I helped removing my shirt and then tugged at his, desiring it off as well. 

In between sloppy, hungry kisses and lip bites Zayn's shirt came of. 

Our naked chests were now against one another and I felt Zayn's boner pressing on my own. 

The reason behind us doing this was trully unknown to me. I had never though of Zayn in a sexual way but I guess it felt nice to lay in the comfort that it was being with him like this.

The loud thump of something shattering made both me and Zayn jump up. I looked around to find Niall, Liam and Harry all looking at us. 

Broken glass spread around the floor. I looked at their faces one by one. 

Niall was just sleepy and very shocked. Liam held a disappointed look for some reason and Harry... 

Harry looked mad. Like he was betrayed. His jaw was visibly tense and his eyes stern, cold. 

"Hazza..." I called when Harry turned back to walk into his room. He stopped in his tracks for a little bit, a huff emerged from him as his shoulders plopped up and down with his breathing, but he returned to motion soon enough. 

"Louis.." 

"Louis..."

"Louis!" A pitchy voice pulled me out of my haze. 

I looked in front to find the blonde girl who I was taking home with me. 

"Come on." She pushed my hand, an excited smiled filled his lips as she did so. 

"I'll call the car." Oli whispered in my ear leaving with the other girl.

 

to be continued...


	3. The theory behind Oli's friendship

"This is your room?" The blonde girl asked when we walked inside a guest room in mine and Harry's L.A. house. 

"Hum, no." I said as I closed the door before turning around to spot her examining everything. 

"Oh... why not?" She asked with a confused expression on her features. 

Because we are not about to have sex where I previously made love with the love of my life, bitch. 

"Oh, it's not clean so..." I scratched my head, lying teeth and she nodded smiling brightly. 

"You're so nice." She attempted at a lower, raspier voice but failed miserably. It was not attractive. 

It made want to run. 

Why am I doing this to myself? I'm...

I'm gay. 

"Thanks." A small, fake smile left my lips. 

She sat at the bed her hands making circles on the cushions. 

"Maybe we should go see what Oli is doing..." I said turning around to catch the door.

"No, you silly!" She loudly said and I heard steps behind me. 

I gulped and closed my eyes, feeling my head spin.

Why am I doing this to myself?

"No?" I asked still fronting the door. 

"They are having sex. We would want to interrupt them!" 

She came behind me, her hands clutching around my belly and her head laying on my shoulder.

"Louis,..." She creepily called like it was a horror movie. 

Her hands rubbed through my and before she slid down to massage my cock through my jeans.

"You have to go." I immediately after said, nicely pulling away from her. 

"What?" She said with a frown. 

"Umm, yeah. I tottaly forgot." My lips said involuntary like my body wanted to save me from this situation. 

"What are you talking about?" She asked her hands gesturing frustrated.

"My landlord said I can't have people over!" I explained rushedly confronting a pair of confused eyes. 

"Landlord?" She said but I ignored her, picking up her boots and shoving them in her chest on my way out of the room. 

I walked door the hall to the right, knocking on the door of the room Oli usually occupied. 

Moans and breaths were heard on the other end of the door. The end where I stood. And I sighed, frustrated with the fate of my night off. "Not now, Louie." Oli's voice was heard through pants and hums. 

I sighed once more, loudly, rubbing my lids with the finger tips of my index and thumb.

I thought of doing one millions stupid things that night. I thought of calling Zayn, say how much of a piece of shit he really is. 

I thought of calling Harry, telling him I still loved him with every single part of my body. That I longer for him every night, and there was nothing, no one who could make me feel joy any longer, because all hapiness in the world went away when he did. 

I thought of calling my guy and trying some coke. 

Hell, I even thought about throwing myself off my roof.

But I would rather any other of those, to the events that unfolded after. 

Because little did I know the longing consequences of those actions.

○○○

A loud, annoying thumping woke me up hurriedly. 

I reactively sat up and that was the first mistake of today. Immediately my head spun around and I felt like I was going to vomit. 

I shut closed my eyes and tried to ignore the stinging sharp pain my head held, and the on going obnoxious knocking at my door. 

"Louie, are you there?" I heard Oli's voice, soundingly worried. "Lou, please open up." 

"I'm fine, O." I managed to say, convincingly. My voice giving out the raspiness in it from just waking up. 

"Are you okay?" The thumping stopped and I finally took an exhaling breath. 

"Fine. Just let me sleep, you fuck." I cursed out, giving me somewhat of a pleasure. 

A relief and content laugh was hearable from the door. "It's four p.m., bitch! You slept all day. Time to get up princess." 

"Okay, okay." I pushed hearing steps which meant he let me be. 

I finally decided to open my eyes, and give it a go on taking in the fucking light hoping it wouldn't kill me.

When did I get here? Fuck!

Painted white clouds on a sky of blue filled the walls in front of my eyes. 

How did I get to Harry's and I room? 

A sad smile made it's way onto my lips. I looked around. 

The grey carpet floors looked fluffy and polished as ever, except for a little stain near the door, barely noticibable, but still there. 

From the night Harry brought me hot cocoa when I was sick. 

Then there were the two wooden black bedside tables. Both supported picture frames and a small lamp. 

I grabbed one of the frames, near the right side and looked at it. Harry's anniversary party. 

The only one we got to celabrate outside of tour. Two thousand and thirteen. 

Harry sat on my lap, his long legs spread apart as we engaged in a deep conversation. I don't even remember this photo being taken.

Obviously it was with Harry's Polaroid, as a tag read 'Harry's birthday, 2013' at the bottom. 

Around the room little frames hung with more photos of us. 

This room was what Larry shippers would call the Larry lair. 

Anyone would walk in here and realise me and Harry have been together all along. 

So this room literally was restricted. 

The shelve was filled with notebooks and books that we shared during our time together. Reminders of a great love, of our love. 

But I didn't feel overwhelmed here.

I felt safe.

But I didn't remember coming in here last night! How did I manage to unlock the door? 

I get up my head still pounding and walk up to the connected bathroom. My face splashed with cold water was actually refreshing and I even skipped my morning blunt. 

Waking up in that room felt like heaven. There was no bed comfier, no sheet softer, no room in any part of the world better than this and Harry's and I bedroom in London. 

Leaving the bathroom I took a trip to the adjoined closet to cover my nakedness before walking outside to meet Oli. 

The smell hit me little a thousand bricks. It smelled of Harry's little smell bags that he would always leave near his clothes for good smell. 

It smelled like him. 

I wanted to sleep, and live in here. I looked for an old shirt and a pair of boxers stumbling upon Harry's old baggy Bowie t-shirt. 

I grabbed it and put it on, melting onto the softness of it before snatching a pair of sweats and stuffing my feet on my her's flip flops, (and before you ask, yes they make those) that stood near Harry's his' flip flops. 

I walked out, closing the door with the outside automatic code on my way, (yes, it was like a safe electronic code, call us protective) and walking down the stairs towards the white big kitchen with large opening windows that went from the ground to the ceiling. 

"Lou! Made you breakfast!" 

"Thanks, Oli." I said in appreciation sitting on the counter, my head starting to remind me of the pounding. 

On the marble stood toast and a coffee, an aspiring and water. 

"That is okay. Are you alright?" He asked and I nodded my head taking the pill in my hands and then gulping it down with a chunk of water. 

"I was worried. I didn't expect you too be sleeping there, you know?" His expression certainly held concern. It was however misplaced. 

There was no place better for me to be at a time like this. 

"Oh, no. It was chill." I said earning no response. 

I started to eat feeling that the air was still not cleared up.

I looked at Oli and he was help in deep thinking as he stared at me not even noticing I was stopping in tracks and staring back.

"Louie, I know you are trying to make a Zayn out of me, but I'm not him. I won't just go out, show you a good time. You need to man up to the truth, Louie." He explained leaving me dumbfounded. 

"What is the truth, Oli?" I asked, as I went back to biting on my toast. 

"You're gay, Louis." I choked on my piece of food, as my eyes shoot wide open. "Why did you bring a girl home last night?" 

"I didn't." 

"Maybe it's my fault. I let you do it. I was too scared to say something. To hurt your feelings but that was dumb of me. Wait..." he rambled on and on but something caught his attention cuz he pointed toward me, his eyes holding a stern look. "You didn't?"

"No." I responded. What girl? 

"Do you even remember what happened last night?" He asked me.

Suddenly I noticed no recollection of last night's events. "I remember we went to a club."

"You brought a girl here last night, Louis William Tomlinson. You had sex with that girl. I need you to open up. To tell me what is going on so I can help you!" Oli was not containing himself, with unnecessary hand motion he slapped the counter a couple times making his point. 

"Wait, not in our room..." I said taking my hands to my hair feeling like I have ruined everything. 

"No. It wad in the guests bedroom." Oli cleared up. 

"Still... in this house... God, I'm a worthless piece of shit." I groan loudly stuffing my head on my arms on the top of the counter.

"No, Louie. You made a mistake." 

"No, Oli. I have made a lot of mistakes. Hell, Harry would probably have forgiven me after that stupid speech, he might have even have forgiven me after making out with Zayn, but after this? He is going to hate me!" I claim, throwing my hands in the air, letting my desperation get the best of me. 

Only after had I noticed that I was not only crying but shaking uncontrollably. 

"Harry is in love with you, he'll forgive you. Have you tried to talk to him?" Oli asked. 

I looked up at him. The first spark of hope stung in my chest like an unknown part if my body just grew. 

"No, not really. He ignores me so I return the favour." I explained to see Oli smile at me. 

"Then talk to him. And don't lie. Explain the situation. Explain you don't even remember!" Oli encouraged. 

"But you don't understand. I said things to him, you know, horrible things. Like 'we weren't worthy of love like this, because we don't try enough' type of stupid shit." I said earning a gasp from a facepalming Oli. 

"You have to talk to him, Louie. It's the only way." He warned looking me in the eyes. 

"But what I did... he'll hate me for it." I repeated myself. The thought of his reaction was enough to make my stress peak. 

"He'll forgive you. You'll explain!" Oli sterned his voice further spating his hand on the marble. "I just..." he exhaled closing his eyes.

"It pains me to see you like this. You are a reck, Louis. Harry or not, you need to have self-respect. You need self- love and acceptance! And you need to do it for yourself. It is an illusion if you think he going to give that to you." Oli rambled, got mad even, argued convictly until my eyes glazed with water threatening to fall. 

"It's not like that, Oli." I whispered wiping off a tear with my hand. 

"What?" He asked me and I sighed feeling my chest ache strongly. 

More tears fell. It felt like I poured a river before I tried to explain. 

"It's not like that, Oli." I said louder than before although it hurt when I did. "It's not about him giving me anything. It is about him being the only thing that occupies my brain..." Loud sobs escaped between words, as the mess in my head tried to organize itself. "It is about the  overwhelming sensation of drowing on him. I can't get him out of my head. I love him. I want him to be happy. And at the same time, it drains me to imagine he can be happy without me. I love him so much." 

"Talk to Harry, Louis. Tell him that!" 

I knew Oli was right, but how? 

to be continued...


End file.
